On Unhumor

So the other day, I was watching the Joan Rivers roast on Comedy Central. So about half an hour in, two things are going through my mind: Is it weird that I think Joan Rivers is actually pretty hot? (the answer to which should be no), and Boy, Tom Arnold fucking sucks at telling jokes.

I'm serious. Muthafucka can't insult somebody to save his life. He slips on his pronunciation and then makes a big deal about it, requests retakes of horribly-failed attempted burns on Greg Giraldo, genuinely apologizes for potential hurt feelings on his least-offensive and least-funny jokes, and all-around does a terrific impression of a not-terribly-interesting trainwreck. Add that to the fact that every single joke told revolves around plastic surgery and calling people Jews, and you have...um, a pretty ordinary Comedy Central roast.

Now, my post was originally going to end there, but then I checked out xkcd and discovered that Randal Munroe has pretty much thrown in the towel and decided humor is just not his game. Good to see he's at least trying to give Xkcd Sucks some decent material to work with.

It's Official...

...The people who run the games industry have no balls.

Six Days in Fallujah was a game that intrigued me from the getgo. Every time I read the previews section for a game magazine I have to avoid tripping over the eight or ten shooters that claim to be grim and gritty and hard-edged and depressing. So it was intensely refreshing in this games-industry equivalent of the comic book dark age of the 90s to see a game that seemed to actually be gritty and depressing (FYI, it was based on some military operation in Fallujah that went down the crapper when a bunch of meth-addled insurgents started crawling from the woodwork). It walked the walk, without the need to talk the talk.

Until Konami remembered that they're a bunch of spineless, dickless backs of crap who spend their spare time wallowing around in their own cowardice.

So I remained hopeful that maybe the developers would be able to find a different publisher willing to release something that didn't star a shaved-head space marine fighting bugpeople. And my optimism is rewarded, as always, by being informed by some gaming news site that, sorry Glorb, you'll have to go back to gunning down bugpeople as Flynn Taggart for the next while.

Look, video game people. It's obvious we're in the Dark Age of FPSes what with all the grim-n-gritty urban combat and the depressing endings and gravelly voiced dudes. So what's with the halfway copout? Start making games that are hard-hitting, that have a purpose behind the gore and guns.

Have us play, I don't know, an ordinary inner-city cop trying to clean up one drug-addled block. Make us an ordinary foot soldier in Iraq, with all the baggage that comes with it. Make us an ordinary single mom trying to eke by long enough to pay the rent on her apartment. Make us a hobo, a doctor, a garbage man, a tornado, a Rottweiler. Just have us play something besides some skinheaded bullet-timing gravelly-voiced supersoldier, please.

Proper BBH Protocol

Something disturbing has come to my attention. In recent years, there has been a great increase and subsequent abuse of the "Bros Before Ho's" rule, and it sickens me. This great American tradition has been turned into a mere excuse for cockblocking and other dickery. As such, I have taken it upon myself to lay down some general rules for proper deployment of the BBH rule.

"Bros Before Ho's" explcitly means that actions in the best interest of one or more Bros take precedent over those in the interest of one or more Ho's. It is not to be used as an excuse for behavior unbecoming of a Bro (such as stealing another Bro's Ho).

"Bros" refers to: Any male friend in good standing with another male, and, at a Bro's discretion, any female friends not romantically, familially, or sexually linked with a Bro.
"Bros" does not refer to: Any relatives of a Bro, male or female; acquaintances of a Bro, whether male or female; enemies of a Bro, whether male or female.

"Ho's" refers to: Any female whose attractiveness has the potential to cloud a Bro's judgement, up to and including any females romantically or sexually linked to a Bro, who are of age to be so.
"Ho's" does not refer to: Any female related to a Bro; any female friend not romantically or sexually linked with a Bro; any female not of sound age to be romantically or sexually linked with a Bro.

Scenarios where BBH applies (BBH-applicable scenarios): If a Bro wishes to cut off any activity between Bros to engage in any Ho-related activity, unless said Ho-related activity has been brought to the Bros' attention prior to the arrangement of the activity between the Bros; If a Bro wishes to leave the location of his fellow Bros for Ho-related purposes when the group is not currently engaged in a Ho-related activity, unless said Ho-related purposes do not detract from the other Bros' mood for a substantial amount of time; If a Bro feels that another Bro's involvement with a Ho will detract in any way from either Bro's mood; If a Bro has allowed or intends to allow a Ho to mess with another Bro's shit.

Scenarios where BBH does not apply (non-BBH-applicable scenarios): If a Bro wishes to prevent another Bro from involvement with a Ho merely for purposes relating to the first Bro (henceforth reffered to as "cock-blocking"); any normally BBH-applicable scenario where the female(s) in question do not meet the definition of a Ho, at the discretion of any Bros present.


Hopefully this post will clear up any confusion related to Bros Before Ho's.