Liberty Shitty

So I'm walking through my local Wal-Mart I am, when I sees this, this "Grand Auto Theft 4" all the kids is talkin' about, right? So I buys it, I pops it in my computer, and it never even occured to me I was about to waste two hours and thirty dollars!

It went down like this: Upon popping the disc in, I was prompted to install; this is a very common occurance, so I thought no more of it. As the installation went on, more and more obstacles presented themeselves. Not only was I expected to join both the Rockstar Games Social Club and Games For Windows Live at various surprise checkpoints during the installation (it's like driving down a road when suddenly the tree on your left becomes a guard booth and the bushes nearby turn into dudes with guns demanding you sign up for a free trial subscripton to Better Homes & Gardens), but also download the various updates and bugfixes for both. Oh well, I thought, what's twenty extra minutes out of my time compared to the hours of awesome violence I'll be experiencing once the install finishes?

After signing up using various bizarre aliases as per my usual signing-up procedure, I continued with the putting of the game files on my hard drive. Many uninteresting years later, the game was installed. After navigating through a swamp of product-verifying and copy protection bullshit, I was finally able to play me some Grand Theft Auto IV.

The first thing I noticed was that the mouse was comically slow, even with sensitivity cranked up to full. As in, I could fit in a full runthrough of Grand Theft Auto III during the time it takes the mouse to go from one end of the screen to another. After navigating my little cursor-boat through the lake of invisible tar to the "Start" option, I noticed the second thing: The whole game is slow as dogshit on a hot summer afternoon. I had to skip through the opening cutscene because every time Niko moved his jaw it caused the frame rate to plummet from ten FPS to around five. The game itself was not much better; to simulate crossing the street, take any ten GTA4 screenshots and shuffle them, producing a new one every two seconds. It's like that. You could be taking the first step off a curb at sunrise, and by the time the screen refreshes, you've accidentally jacked a police car and ran over a crowd of businessmen some time in the afternoon. Obviously the game was unplayable, so I decided to milk as much fun out of it as I could before attempting to return it (which I plan to do tomorrow maybe).

As my first act of fun (after the intro, obligatory drive-this-dude-here mission, and game-saving sequence), I ran down the street. This resulted in Niko getting his shoulder twisted sideways by a passing Taxi, though he somehow managed to hold his footing, something I commend him for. Moving more slowly now, I finished crossing the street, then resumed running. I tackled my way through a crowd of people on their way to work before running into an old guy so hard, he flipped over backwards and landed on his bald head and died. Apparently, Niko's idea of the American dream involves accidentally brutalizing innocent old men within five minutes of waking up.

I then walked over to a hot dog vendor, intending to steal his wares and take over his business as my own. No such luck; the game merely informs me that "Hot dog vendors do not serve unruly customers". Then he punched me in the mouth. Perhaps I should try and set up shop elsewhere?

As I leave the useless foodmonger behind, I noticed several of the people that I tackled have now begun to chase me. And let me tell you, pedetrians who chase you in GTA4, they fuckin' chase you, man. They can also fight pretty well compared to the citizens of San Andreas and Vice City. I ran a good fourteen blocks before an ambulance managed to run them over for me. Apparently, Niko's idea of the American dream involves running like a coward and getting social services to do his dirty work for him.

Thanking the ambulance driver for his help, I pull him out, attempting to give him a friendly combination handshake-hug. However, no such button exists, and I end up merely hopping in the ambulence and assuming command. Ah, well, this is New York, that's probably how they give handshake-hugs over there. I manage to rack up a pretty big kill count with my ambulance before the cops notice me. Wanting to go down in a blaze of glory, I exit my vehicle and decide to take them on, mano a mano. They respond by pointing their cowardly American guns at me and attempting to arrest me. The game politely informs me I can escape arrest by sprinting away, which I proceed to do. The cop proceeds to shoot me about five times in the spinal cord as I run away.

It's night time now, and I've been playing this seemingly unplayable game for quite a while now, something I had not anticipated. Out of boredom, I punch a nearby construction worker in the face, not realizing I'm low on health and this guy has the law on his side: as I swing at his snarling visage, a nearby policeman shoots me in the kidney, and I collapse into the construction worker's arms as the screen turns a grim monochrome. It remains a grim monochrome for a good five minutes before I realize the game has frozen. Apparently, Niko's idea of the American dream involves, um, dying. For good.

Upon restarting the computer, I promptly uninstall GTA4 and hope one day I will be rich enough to buy an Xbox. Apparently, Niko's idea of the American dream involves inspiring other people to become rich, not himself. I decide that Niko's exquisitely shaded, 8FPS death will not be in vain, that I shall pay it forward, as they say. That's why I'm giving Wal-Mart their game back tomorrow.